What A Beautiful Sight

What A Beautiful Sight
Today I am 6 weeks and 1 day, today I saw a heartbeat on the "Big Screen" also known as the sonograph machine. As soon as my doctor found my baby I let out a sigh of relief, as I had spent the morning worrying about what my doctor may or may not see. Dr. Timmins as always was very sweet and I once again realized why she is one of the most sought out OBGYNs for Texas Children's Hospital. She joked with me when she arrived to put my mind at ease and went straight into searching for piglet vaginally. As soon as she spotted "him" she took a few pictures and then the momma in me demanded to hear the heartbeat. She stated that because piglet was so small we may not get to hear it and  she was right, but she did point out the heart on the screen and said it was beating a lovely 108. On the screen I could see the tiny little flicker of the heart and for me I got a little treary eyed as I was a little sad that DH would have to hear about this instead of see for himself. Doctor Timmins informed me that piglet was measuring 5 weeks and 5 days and that it was okay for there to be a little date discrepancy as its only -3 days.
Seeing the heartbeat today was exciting and emotional for me as its one more hurdle I have overcome. My next appointment is July 12th and I should be 11weeks along, I hope the next few weeks fly by as I can't wait to see my baby again. I want to again ask those who read my blog to send out positive vibes and send up prayers.

Scared!!!

Scared!!!

My fear after experiencing my first miscarriage was that I would have to experience a second one. I am so thankful that I am pregnant now, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that history will repeat itself. My husband keeps telling me to stop worrying, but that is easier said than done. With my first pregnancy I was so carefree I never bothered to check "What Not to do While Pregnant" list or websites, now I find myself wanting to check constantly to make sure I am doing/eating something that is deemed safe for pregnant women. At church on Sunday my Pastor talked about faith and believing in God once he sets things into motion. My faith in God is what has sustained me through the loss of my first baby, then my aunt, and even my own father. I AM SCARED that I am going to lose this baby and that I won’t make it to January. I am angry that I am finding myself to have so little faith. I know I need to let go and let God, but I so want to be in control of this. After intercourse with my DH last night I am experiencing brown/yellowish discharge which has got me in a panic. I am also feeling cramping but it is very mild, Friday cannot get here fast enough as I have so many questions for my OBGYN. I will close this post with a prayer and I ask all who read my blog to send good vibes my way as I will do the same for you.

Dear God I am calling on you to help me understand that this pregnancy is not in my control. Please help me to realize that I can't live this pregnancy in fear and that you will do what you deem is right for me. Please allow me to focus on the joys of this pregnancy and take away my worry. I am now turning my pregnancy over to the Lord, continue to watch over me and my family as we take it day by day.

Doctors All Around Me

Doctors All Around Me

So last week was a very busy week for me, I spent most of my week in and out of doctor offices. First off I went to acupuncture on Monday where I found myself feeling very restless. I also experienced a short bout of vertigo and was very nervous that something was wrong; however my acupuncturist assured me that it is normal if it was only for a short amount of time. I then had an appointment with a cardiologist as I have been experiencing an accelerated heartbeat when working out or just walking around my job. After the death of my father, he died of a heart condition, I have really tried to work on my overall health. I hired a personal trainer and over the course of a few months I was able to lose 12 lbs. However, while working out my trainer brought it to my attention that my heart rate was higher than what is considered normal for my age group, it can get up to the 180s-194 very easily. With her advice I decided I needed to see a cardiologist, well after our first appointment my doctor tried to write off my concerns saying that I was just out of shape. Which to me is crazy seeing as I have worked out off and on for years, so after insisting on further testing he performed a stress test. This test involved me running on a treadmill with a monitoring device attached to my chest. After looking at this test my doctor has diagnosed me with Tachycardia, a heart condition that explains my excessive heart rate as normal. Now that I know this is my new "normal" I have a list of foods that I should avoid which I am now taking seriously. So overall my doctor says that I will be fine and that with my pregnancy I will need to stop all exercise until I talk to my OBGYN. The next big appointment was my HCG beta level test and for me this was the most nerve wrecking. I went in first on Tuesday and drew my first level which came back 360.1 and then I went in on Thursday to complete the second level which came back 731.8 my levels more than doubled. With the test I am able to breathe just a little bit better, however I know I am not out of the woods yet. I am looking forward to seeing my OBGYN Friday June 7th as I really need some reassurance that my pregnancy is progressing nicely.

Positive HPT

Positive HPT

People always say that life can change in an instant and that is so true. Last week on Monday I decided to take a pregnancy test because my menstrual was due to arrive that day, well after taking it I didn’t see the line immediately appear so I figured BFN. I then began the waiting game, days came and went and I didn’t see AF. However, I was too nervous to test. Seeing a BFN is heartbreaking and even more so when your days late.  Well on Saturday morning my Injectable medicine arrived and it was at this point my husband decided enough was enough we needed to know what was going on so he went out and brought a pregnancy test. I began testing Saturday night as I had a pretty busy Saturday morning and to my surprise I got a BFP. Well after one positive test I decided to keep testing, four test total, just to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. I even went through the bathroom trash searching for the test I took Monday; it now showed a faint line too. It’s all surreal to me and I am just so grateful. I mean last month I received such devastating news that I never thought I would ever achieve a BFP on my own again, I just assumed that if I were to get pregnant it would have to be with the help of a doctor. I feel so blessed and extremely happy that God is giving me this opportunity, I can’t stress how thankful I really am.  Now that I am pregnant the hard part is going to be staying pregnant. I sent an email to my doctor over the weekend to ask if he believes progesterone would be good for me and if he would allow me to come in and get my beta levels taken. Well I heard from the nurse that he is still thinking about my first question, but he will allow me to come in and get my beta taken today. Dave and I decided that we would not tell anyone about our BFP until we make it safely out of the first trimester and I have sort of held true to that, I'm sure he's okay with you all knowing. If anyone is reading this please continue to pray for our sticky bean and I will update later on about the beta results.

The Waiting Game

The Waiting Game

Prior to my miscarriage I was always a 28 CD gal. I never missed a period and it was something I could count on like clockwork. Well since August my menstrual cycle is all out of wack, my cycles vary from 26 to 28 days with a December cycle of 31 days. Most recently though my cycles (February-April) have peaked at 26. Well lucky me (insert heavy sarcasm) I am currently on CD 29 and as I am too scared to test I have no clue as to when AF will show. I can't move forward with my IUI/Injectable cycle unless she shows her ugly head, so the waiting game commences. I imagine the hold up could be my decision to start supplements last month, can this lead to a longer cycle??? I highly doubt I am pregnant as I have no real symptoms except for exhaustion but I sometimes get that prior to my menstrual. Ugh this is all so confusing I just want to be able to move forward. So lets just pray AF shows up in full force by 2 pm today, that is the time given to me by my RE to count today as CD 1.

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Last week I took a big step in my infertility journey, I decided to email my RE doctor and ask if he would be willing to try IUI with injectables on me. Now I already knew how my doctor feels about this procedure, he strongly believes its a waste of both his and my time. So over the course of a week we have been emailing back and forth, him encouraging me to reconsider donor eggs, me stating I want the IUI with injectables, then him stating  he would try IUI with clomid and me again saying no I want IUI with injectables. So after going around and around, I guess he realized he was dealing with one crazy determined lady and so he relented and agreed to preform the procedure. Now the funny thing is as soon as he gave me the OK I began doubting myself, I mean who am I really. I'm no doctor, I don't have the years of study and clinical hours he has, hell I don't even understand half of the terms associated with someone in my condition. But what I do know is that I have to be my own advocate, I cant just sit on the sidelines and allow doctors to make decisions about my life and blindly follow men in white lab coats. So I began to research and surprisingly have found women have gone on to conceive with and without the help of an RE.  Ultimately I want the opportunity to be given a chance at IVF with my own eggs, however I am willing to take this small step until I can get my doctor on board.

I asked my mother & my best-friend this week how do I know if God is speaking to me, with everything that has been going on I wanted to make sure I was following a path God wanted me to take. Well in a nutshell they said that God will present the path he wants you to take or in other words a path becomes more accessible to you. So then I immediately thought about me emailing my doctor and how we went back and forth but ultimately he showed me the path I wanted  to walk along. I also thought about my acupuncture appointment and how I would need to move it forward (June 10th) if I was indeed going to try and start IUI with my next cycle and low and behold when I checked online appointment scheduler they had an appointment for this coming Tuesday. Lately things have been lining up the way I need them to in preparation for my upcoming infertility treatment and I am forever feeling blessed. I have the support of family and friends and I am just feeling so loved right now. Last week I was feeling gloom at the prospective of not being a mother yet, but this week it seemed everywhere I turned I was given a positive message or encouraging word. I feel like God puts positive people in your life to show you the rainbow is coming during your storms and all week I had friends pointing out how blessed I am...

1. I have an amazing husband who supports me in his own way
2. I was able to convince my RE to administer a procedure he didn't really want to do for me. 
3. I have insurance to cover the cost of medicines, IUI procedure, and the monitoring I am going to need.
4. I can begin to take acupuncture as a way to help support my body and can afford to this.

So even though this infertility journey has been a long and stressful roller coaster with highs and lows  I am so in love with the idea that it could be worse and I believe that my story will have a happy ending.I am looking forward to what is in store for me as I realize now that God is walking alongside me on this journey.I will update later on this week as to where I am in my cycle and my IUI protocol. 

Am I Not a Mother

Am I Not a Mother

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months, I have embarked on a healthier lifestyle loosing 12+ pounds and I have resubmitted myself in my faith trying to become closer to God. I am dreading Mother's Day this year, this was to be my first Mother's Day as a mom. Sadly I lost my bean and now I am anticipating spending the day in bed mourning the loss of my first and only pregnancy. While so many women will be embracing their children, I will be clutching my pillow and asking God to stay with me on such a difficult day. Currently I am in my ovulation week and am finding it to be a cruel joke that my body goes through all the symptoms of ovulation (tender breast, ovulation pain, lots of CM) and yet my body cant produce the one good egg I need to become a mother. So my question today is, Am I Not a Mother? Sure I didn't give birth this year, but I did see and hear the heartbeat of my child. I saw my little belly bloat out and give the illusion of a baby bump. No I don't think I am Mother, no one gets part of a medal and second place is not first. I didn't give birth to a baby so as society sees it I am not a mother. Too bad... I'd be one hell of a mother.