Scared!!!

Scared!!!

My fear after experiencing my first miscarriage was that I would have to experience a second one. I am so thankful that I am pregnant now, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that history will repeat itself. My husband keeps telling me to stop worrying, but that is easier said than done. With my first pregnancy I was so carefree I never bothered to check "What Not to do While Pregnant" list or websites, now I find myself wanting to check constantly to make sure I am doing/eating something that is deemed safe for pregnant women. At church on Sunday my Pastor talked about faith and believing in God once he sets things into motion. My faith in God is what has sustained me through the loss of my first baby, then my aunt, and even my own father. I AM SCARED that I am going to lose this baby and that I won’t make it to January. I am angry that I am finding myself to have so little faith. I know I need to let go and let God, but I so want to be in control of this. After intercourse with my DH last night I am experiencing brown/yellowish discharge which has got me in a panic. I am also feeling cramping but it is very mild, Friday cannot get here fast enough as I have so many questions for my OBGYN. I will close this post with a prayer and I ask all who read my blog to send good vibes my way as I will do the same for you.

Dear God I am calling on you to help me understand that this pregnancy is not in my control. Please help me to realize that I can't live this pregnancy in fear and that you will do what you deem is right for me. Please allow me to focus on the joys of this pregnancy and take away my worry. I am now turning my pregnancy over to the Lord, continue to watch over me and my family as we take it day by day.

Doctors All Around Me

Doctors All Around Me

So last week was a very busy week for me, I spent most of my week in and out of doctor offices. First off I went to acupuncture on Monday where I found myself feeling very restless. I also experienced a short bout of vertigo and was very nervous that something was wrong; however my acupuncturist assured me that it is normal if it was only for a short amount of time. I then had an appointment with a cardiologist as I have been experiencing an accelerated heartbeat when working out or just walking around my job. After the death of my father, he died of a heart condition, I have really tried to work on my overall health. I hired a personal trainer and over the course of a few months I was able to lose 12 lbs. However, while working out my trainer brought it to my attention that my heart rate was higher than what is considered normal for my age group, it can get up to the 180s-194 very easily. With her advice I decided I needed to see a cardiologist, well after our first appointment my doctor tried to write off my concerns saying that I was just out of shape. Which to me is crazy seeing as I have worked out off and on for years, so after insisting on further testing he performed a stress test. This test involved me running on a treadmill with a monitoring device attached to my chest. After looking at this test my doctor has diagnosed me with Tachycardia, a heart condition that explains my excessive heart rate as normal. Now that I know this is my new "normal" I have a list of foods that I should avoid which I am now taking seriously. So overall my doctor says that I will be fine and that with my pregnancy I will need to stop all exercise until I talk to my OBGYN. The next big appointment was my HCG beta level test and for me this was the most nerve wrecking. I went in first on Tuesday and drew my first level which came back 360.1 and then I went in on Thursday to complete the second level which came back 731.8 my levels more than doubled. With the test I am able to breathe just a little bit better, however I know I am not out of the woods yet. I am looking forward to seeing my OBGYN Friday June 7th as I really need some reassurance that my pregnancy is progressing nicely.

The Waiting Game

The Waiting Game

Prior to my miscarriage I was always a 28 CD gal. I never missed a period and it was something I could count on like clockwork. Well since August my menstrual cycle is all out of wack, my cycles vary from 26 to 28 days with a December cycle of 31 days. Most recently though my cycles (February-April) have peaked at 26. Well lucky me (insert heavy sarcasm) I am currently on CD 29 and as I am too scared to test I have no clue as to when AF will show. I can't move forward with my IUI/Injectable cycle unless she shows her ugly head, so the waiting game commences. I imagine the hold up could be my decision to start supplements last month, can this lead to a longer cycle??? I highly doubt I am pregnant as I have no real symptoms except for exhaustion but I sometimes get that prior to my menstrual. Ugh this is all so confusing I just want to be able to move forward. So lets just pray AF shows up in full force by 2 pm today, that is the time given to me by my RE to count today as CD 1.

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Last week I took a big step in my infertility journey, I decided to email my RE doctor and ask if he would be willing to try IUI with injectables on me. Now I already knew how my doctor feels about this procedure, he strongly believes its a waste of both his and my time. So over the course of a week we have been emailing back and forth, him encouraging me to reconsider donor eggs, me stating I want the IUI with injectables, then him stating  he would try IUI with clomid and me again saying no I want IUI with injectables. So after going around and around, I guess he realized he was dealing with one crazy determined lady and so he relented and agreed to preform the procedure. Now the funny thing is as soon as he gave me the OK I began doubting myself, I mean who am I really. I'm no doctor, I don't have the years of study and clinical hours he has, hell I don't even understand half of the terms associated with someone in my condition. But what I do know is that I have to be my own advocate, I cant just sit on the sidelines and allow doctors to make decisions about my life and blindly follow men in white lab coats. So I began to research and surprisingly have found women have gone on to conceive with and without the help of an RE.  Ultimately I want the opportunity to be given a chance at IVF with my own eggs, however I am willing to take this small step until I can get my doctor on board.

I asked my mother & my best-friend this week how do I know if God is speaking to me, with everything that has been going on I wanted to make sure I was following a path God wanted me to take. Well in a nutshell they said that God will present the path he wants you to take or in other words a path becomes more accessible to you. So then I immediately thought about me emailing my doctor and how we went back and forth but ultimately he showed me the path I wanted  to walk along. I also thought about my acupuncture appointment and how I would need to move it forward (June 10th) if I was indeed going to try and start IUI with my next cycle and low and behold when I checked online appointment scheduler they had an appointment for this coming Tuesday. Lately things have been lining up the way I need them to in preparation for my upcoming infertility treatment and I am forever feeling blessed. I have the support of family and friends and I am just feeling so loved right now. Last week I was feeling gloom at the prospective of not being a mother yet, but this week it seemed everywhere I turned I was given a positive message or encouraging word. I feel like God puts positive people in your life to show you the rainbow is coming during your storms and all week I had friends pointing out how blessed I am...

1. I have an amazing husband who supports me in his own way
2. I was able to convince my RE to administer a procedure he didn't really want to do for me. 
3. I have insurance to cover the cost of medicines, IUI procedure, and the monitoring I am going to need.
4. I can begin to take acupuncture as a way to help support my body and can afford to this.

So even though this infertility journey has been a long and stressful roller coaster with highs and lows  I am so in love with the idea that it could be worse and I believe that my story will have a happy ending.I am looking forward to what is in store for me as I realize now that God is walking alongside me on this journey.I will update later on this week as to where I am in my cycle and my IUI protocol. 

TTC Prayer

TTC Prayer

One of my New Years Resolutions for 2013 was to read the Bible in its entirety and thanks to my iPad Bible app (yes there's an app for that lol)  I am well on my way. With the app you can choose plans and the version of the Bible that you are interested in which makes for a much quicker read. I say all this to say that although the verses are pre-chosen for me I sometimes feel that what I am reading is helping me on my TTC journey. 

A few nights ago I read about Hannah, a woman who was barren and wanted to have a child of her own. She prayed to God for years asking for a child and promised that if she were to become pregnant she would turn the child over to God as a servant. Well Hannah became pregnant and bore a son whom she named Samuel which means "God Hears" and she gave him over to the Lord as promised. The story of this woman touched me, it talked about how she was taunted and humiliated for being barren and yet she kept her faith in the Lord and continue to pray for what she wanted. Reading this story has reaffirmed for me that God does hear my prayers and he knows what my heart desires, I truly believe that I will be become a mother someday as long as I keep my faith and continue to pray for my blessing. I sometimes find myself wanting to wallow in self pity and accused God of abandoning me, but he hasn't and I wont stop dreaming of a child with my hair and Dave's eyes. I ask that God grant me the patience to become a better me and wait on the gift he has for me. I believe that God can preform miracles and I so badly need one now.

If anyone reads this blog post any prayers you can send up for me would be greatly appreciated. I am closing this post with a song that melts my hurt every time I hear it and leaves me with tears of joy.

Tamela Mann written & produced by Kirk Franklin, Take me to the King

Vitamins for One

Vitamins for One

I am officially on the vitamin wagon as I am trying a more natural approach to my BFP. Although my RE doctor gave me little to no hope for conceiving on my own, I feel as if I owe it to myself to at least try. I am hoping that within the next four months I will see two lines appear on a HPT, one can dream right. So here is the list of vitamins I am currently taking and why....

Royal Jelly= 2000MG (1 pill) Royal Jelly is rich in amino acids, lipids, sugars, vitamins, and most importantly, proteins. It contains high levels of vitamins D and E, and also has ample levels of iron and calcium. As all of these are essential to proper health and organ function, it is very easy to see how Royal Jelly can help with in assisting with fertility.

1. To increase libido
2. Support egg and sperm health
3. Diminish and reduce the signs of aging
4. To reduce inflammation caused by illness or injury
5. To naturally boost the body’s immune system

Coq10=200MG (4 pills) Within women, the processes of maintaining eggs, ovulating and developing an embryo are energetically expensive and may be compromised with falling levels of CoQ10 as they age. No studies have been completed on women to test this hypothesis, but an interesting study was undertaken on mice and published in a 2009 edition of "Fertility and Sterility." In the Canadian study, aged female mice were given CoQ10 and other supplements that stimulate mitochondria production and their egg quality was measured against a placebo group. The researchers from the Toronto Centre for Advanced Reproductive Technology found that CoQ10 supplementation increased the quantity and quality of eggs ovulated in the test group. It should be noted, however, that animal study results may not be borne out in people.

Omega 3 Fish Oil= 1000MG (1 pill) Omega-3 fatty acids can help you with fertility in that there is some research that suggests that they help to promote natural ovulation. They do this by helping to extend the portion of your cycle in which you are the most fertile. There is also some evidence ro suggest that omega-3 fatty acids can help make a woman’s cycle more regular.
To be sure, Omega-3 fatty acids are not only useful for fertility. Certainly the benefits of Omega-3 fatty acids for a woman once she has become pregnant have been sufficiently researched.  Evidence suggests that Omega-3 fatty acids can help avoid miscarriage, as well as helping avoid certain birth defects and helping to reduce the risk that the woman will prematurely go into labor.

B6=100MG (1pill) Vitamin B6 has so many benefits. It helps to stave off depression that is a part of PMS. The main area that B6 helps with fertility is to treat a luteal phase defect.
The luteal phase (the time from ovulation to menstruation) ideally should be over 10 days long (11-16 days is the norm). If it’s shorter than 10 days it’s called a luteal phase defect. Normally a luteal phase shorter than 10 days cannot sustain a new pregnancy and can possibly end up in miscarriage. The good news is a luteal phase defect is one of the most easily treated and cured.


DHEA= 25MG (2 pills)DHEA increases IVF pregnancy rates, DHEA increases the number of eggs and embryos, DHEA improves the quality of eggs, DHEA improves the quality of embryos, DHEA reduces aneuploidy (chromosomal abnormalities) in embryos, DHEADHEA shortens the time to pregnancy, DHEA increases spontaneous conceptions, DHEA improves cumulative pregnancy rates in patients under fertility treatment

Egg Donor???

Egg Donor???

The week after my HSG appointment I was on cloud nine, I figured God was finally cutting me a break in regards to my fertility struggles and that things were starting to turn around. When I arrived for my appointment on April 12, 2013 I never in  a million years thought that my fertility would be nonexistent. I never thought my doctor would open with "You wont be able to give birth to a biological child." That sentence damn near stopped my heart, I couldn't believe that this is what 2.5 years of TTC would end with. After telling me about my option to use eggs from a female donor I almost cried. DH and I have always dreamed of children with my eyes and his hair, etc... and now those dreams wont come true. I was so shocked after my diagnoses that I didn't really take the time to ask questions and understand what it all meant. He stated that my AMH came back undetected meaning it was less that .16 and that the likelihood of anything being a success was slim to none. They gave me a packet on Egg donor and talked about what would happen next if I chose to go that route and ushered me out of the hospital with this new heavy burden. I have decided that even though I was given such a gloomy news I am not giving up just yet. I am now looking into alternative methods (vitamins & working out) to improve improve egg quality and give my last few eggs a fighting chance. I figure the egg donor route will always be an option, but I will only have so many years left within my peak fertility age bracket. If anyone reads this please send a prayer up for me as I embark on this new road to mommy hood.