Hospital Bag

Hospital Bag

One thing I have not looked forward to doing since I became pregnant is packing my hospital bag, to me it's so final and it being packed makes me feel as if Kai will come soon. I know that may sound weird but it has been overwhelming  to think about getting Kai's, Dave, and my things together. I have had many sleepless nights dreaming about labor starting and having nothing packed and ready to go. I have even had crying fits over all the  items I need to pack and gather into the bags. Of course my husband doesn't understand why I am acting so strange and feels that I am working myself into a fit for nothing. He will never fully understand how my mind works and how I need things to be DONE.

It is nice to say that our bags are just about packed and I only need a few last minute items to complete this task.

• Nursing tops ordered from H&M
• Photo card for new camera hubby brought for me this Christmas
• A robe
• Going Home outfit for me (looking for a cute sweatsuit)

My hospital bag was purchased from Urban Outfitters in 2013 and is a doctor bag, I no longer see it on their website. However I adore this bag so much I have it in two colors (beige & black).

What am I bringing to the hospital for me:

• Maternity jeans and shirt to go home in
• Robe
• Shower Flip Flops
• Sports bra (laboring in tub)
• Ace Velcro Bandage (Postpartum)
• 2 pillows  
• 2 nursing tops
• 2 pajama sets (button top and matching bottoms)
• Socks
• Slippers
• Toiletries (Dave and myself)
• Heating Pad
• Hair ties
• Chap-stick
• Camera 
• Kindle book
• Ziploc bags (wet or soiled items)
• Baby gift bags (for packing all of my freebie hospital goodies away)
• Boppy Pillow
• Medela Breast Pump (So I can get help form the lactation consultant on how to use)

My Timi and Leslie Charlie diaper bag is the bag I packed for Kai. It's a pretty large and stylish diaper bag and I have secretly wanted one since I started TTC 3 yrs ago and spotted Jessica Alba with it. I placed it on my baby registry and was presently surprised that my uncle and hid wife purchased it for me. I love it, the picture below does it no justice so if you have the time Google "Charlie Diaper Bag." I think this bag will be perfect for cloth diapering which is what we're doing, because it is so large.

What I am bringing to the hospital for Kai:

• Aden & Anais swaddling blankets
• Two outfits for him to come home in I couldn't decide
• Nipple cream
• Birth book
• socks
• mitts for his hands

Clear HSG Exam

Clear HSG Exam

So on Friday April 5, 2013 I went and took another HSG exam, the second exam in 2 years. I must admit I was nervous going in, because I now find myself unsure of my fertility with the DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) bomb dropped last week. I kept thinking that it all just goes down hill from here and having one or two blocked tubes seemed to be right up my ally. However, after hoping up on the exam table for approximately ten minutes and not really feeling any huge pain my doctor stated that both tubes were open. I then found myself letting out the huge breath I had been holding since the exam began. I prayed before the procedure asking God to allow for a positive outcome and I found myself praying again when it was all over thanking him for allowing things to go in our (DH and I) favor. I will meet with my RE again next Friday to go over all of the exams and come up with a definite plan in May. I'm so nervous about this appointment, because my google searches are coming back with not so positive outcomes for women who suffer from DOR.

Miscarriage Story

Miscarriage Story

I am the face of 1 in 4, as I suffered a miscarriage on August 20, 2012. Statistcally speaking 40% of all pregnancy result in a miscarriage. Believe me that number hardly makes me feel any better. I wish I could say I knew this was coming or I had thought something was wrong, but never in a million years did I think this could/would hapen to me. DH and I were so happy and excited to be carrying bean that we immediately told friends and family only to have to retract it weeks later, because our baby had stopped developing.

I went to the restroom late August 20th  and while peeing a huge clot of blood fell into the toilet, I immediately freaked out and called my husband as he was at work for the night. I knew immediately that bean was gone, i mean there was so much blood I couldn't imagine this story having a happy ending. After speaking with my DH i decided that I needed to go to the ER, my DH met me there and together we listened as our ER doctor explained that bean had stopped growing at 9 weeks even though we believed we were in week 11. I went home and stayed in bed all day refusing to go to work, I was so upset at myself and God for giving and then taking away my precious gift.  I felt like I was being punished for some deed I had forgotten I had done. I wanted answers and of course the only one I heard was "These things happen, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it." I went to see Dr. Timmins a few days later with DH and she confirmed what our ER doctor had seen, we were given a choice to take medicine or have a D&C to rid my body of the tissue. I decided that medicine would be best as I didn't want to have to go through a surgery. I took the medication on Friday August 24th and immediately had severe cramps and bleeding that got heavier each hour that passed. Eventually I passed several large clots on Saturday morning ending the pregnancy that I wanted so badly.

I wish I could say that was the end of my bleeding, but on the following Monday I decided that I would go to work after having an uneventful Sunday. Hell it was the first day of school, what kind of teacher isn't there to greet her students on the first day? The answer come to find out is ME. I went to work with every intention of staying the full day as I thought my bleeding was under control. Well when I got to school I immediatley went to the bathroom and noticed that my pad was soaked, I changed it and figured okay no problem I can do this. Not even 45 minutes later I went back to the restroom only to see another soaked pad, at this point I was freaking out. I again changed my pad and went to my classroom and this time decided to stay seated as my advisory class chatted about their summer. While sitting in my chair I felt a huge gush of blood, I stood up to see not only was my chair blood red but I had soaked through my clothing. Talk about being scared I was terrified, I took off my jacket (thank God I had one on) and tied it around my waste and  went to the bathroom to try and clean up the best I could. I called my doctor to let her know what had happened and she advised I come in immediately, my DH had to come and get me from school because I was  told due to the blood I was loosing I couldn't drive myself. To end this story, my doctor found that my bleeding was due to the fact that I was trying to pass the sack and it had gotten stuck keeping my cervix open and causing the gushes of blood.

I hope to never have to experience a loss such as this again, having to hear hundreds of times how sorry people were for my loss was like a knife to my heart. I just wanted to scream for people to leave me alone and stop asking me if I was ok. You want a truthful answer I am not okay and I don't think I ever will be. Here I was pregnant with my first child only to loose it weeks later. I fear for my next pregnancy, I fear that I will never have a "next pregnancy," and  I fear that this miscarriage will keep me from every truly enjoying a pregnancy.