The Waiting Game

The Waiting Game

Prior to my miscarriage I was always a 28 CD gal. I never missed a period and it was something I could count on like clockwork. Well since August my menstrual cycle is all out of wack, my cycles vary from 26 to 28 days with a December cycle of 31 days. Most recently though my cycles (February-April) have peaked at 26. Well lucky me (insert heavy sarcasm) I am currently on CD 29 and as I am too scared to test I have no clue as to when AF will show. I can't move forward with my IUI/Injectable cycle unless she shows her ugly head, so the waiting game commences. I imagine the hold up could be my decision to start supplements last month, can this lead to a longer cycle??? I highly doubt I am pregnant as I have no real symptoms except for exhaustion but I sometimes get that prior to my menstrual. Ugh this is all so confusing I just want to be able to move forward. So lets just pray AF shows up in full force by 2 pm today, that is the time given to me by my RE to count today as CD 1.

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Last week I took a big step in my infertility journey, I decided to email my RE doctor and ask if he would be willing to try IUI with injectables on me. Now I already knew how my doctor feels about this procedure, he strongly believes its a waste of both his and my time. So over the course of a week we have been emailing back and forth, him encouraging me to reconsider donor eggs, me stating I want the IUI with injectables, then him stating  he would try IUI with clomid and me again saying no I want IUI with injectables. So after going around and around, I guess he realized he was dealing with one crazy determined lady and so he relented and agreed to preform the procedure. Now the funny thing is as soon as he gave me the OK I began doubting myself, I mean who am I really. I'm no doctor, I don't have the years of study and clinical hours he has, hell I don't even understand half of the terms associated with someone in my condition. But what I do know is that I have to be my own advocate, I cant just sit on the sidelines and allow doctors to make decisions about my life and blindly follow men in white lab coats. So I began to research and surprisingly have found women have gone on to conceive with and without the help of an RE.  Ultimately I want the opportunity to be given a chance at IVF with my own eggs, however I am willing to take this small step until I can get my doctor on board.

I asked my mother & my best-friend this week how do I know if God is speaking to me, with everything that has been going on I wanted to make sure I was following a path God wanted me to take. Well in a nutshell they said that God will present the path he wants you to take or in other words a path becomes more accessible to you. So then I immediately thought about me emailing my doctor and how we went back and forth but ultimately he showed me the path I wanted  to walk along. I also thought about my acupuncture appointment and how I would need to move it forward (June 10th) if I was indeed going to try and start IUI with my next cycle and low and behold when I checked online appointment scheduler they had an appointment for this coming Tuesday. Lately things have been lining up the way I need them to in preparation for my upcoming infertility treatment and I am forever feeling blessed. I have the support of family and friends and I am just feeling so loved right now. Last week I was feeling gloom at the prospective of not being a mother yet, but this week it seemed everywhere I turned I was given a positive message or encouraging word. I feel like God puts positive people in your life to show you the rainbow is coming during your storms and all week I had friends pointing out how blessed I am...

1. I have an amazing husband who supports me in his own way
2. I was able to convince my RE to administer a procedure he didn't really want to do for me. 
3. I have insurance to cover the cost of medicines, IUI procedure, and the monitoring I am going to need.
4. I can begin to take acupuncture as a way to help support my body and can afford to this.

So even though this infertility journey has been a long and stressful roller coaster with highs and lows  I am so in love with the idea that it could be worse and I believe that my story will have a happy ending.I am looking forward to what is in store for me as I realize now that God is walking alongside me on this journey.I will update later on this week as to where I am in my cycle and my IUI protocol. 

Am I Not a Mother

Am I Not a Mother

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months, I have embarked on a healthier lifestyle loosing 12+ pounds and I have resubmitted myself in my faith trying to become closer to God. I am dreading Mother's Day this year, this was to be my first Mother's Day as a mom. Sadly I lost my bean and now I am anticipating spending the day in bed mourning the loss of my first and only pregnancy. While so many women will be embracing their children, I will be clutching my pillow and asking God to stay with me on such a difficult day. Currently I am in my ovulation week and am finding it to be a cruel joke that my body goes through all the symptoms of ovulation (tender breast, ovulation pain, lots of CM) and yet my body cant produce the one good egg I need to become a mother. So my question today is, Am I Not a Mother? Sure I didn't give birth this year, but I did see and hear the heartbeat of my child. I saw my little belly bloat out and give the illusion of a baby bump. No I don't think I am Mother, no one gets part of a medal and second place is not first. I didn't give birth to a baby so as society sees it I am not a mother. Too bad... I'd be one hell of a mother.

TTC Prayer

TTC Prayer

One of my New Years Resolutions for 2013 was to read the Bible in its entirety and thanks to my iPad Bible app (yes there's an app for that lol)  I am well on my way. With the app you can choose plans and the version of the Bible that you are interested in which makes for a much quicker read. I say all this to say that although the verses are pre-chosen for me I sometimes feel that what I am reading is helping me on my TTC journey. 

A few nights ago I read about Hannah, a woman who was barren and wanted to have a child of her own. She prayed to God for years asking for a child and promised that if she were to become pregnant she would turn the child over to God as a servant. Well Hannah became pregnant and bore a son whom she named Samuel which means "God Hears" and she gave him over to the Lord as promised. The story of this woman touched me, it talked about how she was taunted and humiliated for being barren and yet she kept her faith in the Lord and continue to pray for what she wanted. Reading this story has reaffirmed for me that God does hear my prayers and he knows what my heart desires, I truly believe that I will be become a mother someday as long as I keep my faith and continue to pray for my blessing. I sometimes find myself wanting to wallow in self pity and accused God of abandoning me, but he hasn't and I wont stop dreaming of a child with my hair and Dave's eyes. I ask that God grant me the patience to become a better me and wait on the gift he has for me. I believe that God can preform miracles and I so badly need one now.

If anyone reads this blog post any prayers you can send up for me would be greatly appreciated. I am closing this post with a song that melts my hurt every time I hear it and leaves me with tears of joy.

Tamela Mann written & produced by Kirk Franklin, Take me to the King

Heartbeat...

Heartbeat...

When I watched Beyonce's Life is But a Dream HBO Documentary the above video really hit home. The connection I felt to my little bean has not gone away, his/her heartbeat touched me in ways I can't describe. I too envisioned what my child would look like and what it would be like to see my belly grow with a child inside it. The pain of no longer hearing the heartbeat will stay with me forever. I now know it wasn't meant to be and my experience has made me a stronger woman and one day hopefully a better mother.

RE Appointment

RE Appointment

Dave and I had an RE appointment on Tuesday March 26th and although I wasn't prepared for all the news that was given to us, I feel prepared and motivated moving forward. The appointment was with Dr. Kovanci at the Woman's Pavilion in Houston and overall I was impressed with his knowledge and his desire to address any of our concerns and issues.

The meeting however did begin crappy as we were informed that our patient files from the past two years had not been faxed to their office as we were told by our doctors. Files that contained Dave's SA results  and my medical workup were no where to be found, as a result we both tried to recall information that was told to us over a year ago. To make a long story short I was not a happy camper. When I doctor arrived to meet us he was trying to piece together a best and worst case scenario as we had nothing else to go on. He then took us and preformed an ultrasound and had me complete a blood test to check AMH levels.

From the ultrasound Dr. Kovanci concluded that I had a low ovarian reserve, meaning I am not producing the amount of eggs that are considered normal for my age group. At the time of my ultrasound I only had 2-3 eggs in each of my Ovaries and for a woman my age the number should be closer to 10 on each side. This news completely knocked me out, I never thought I had any issues as my gynecologist never said anything to me about it. This news was pretty upsetting as I already knew that as of now there is no way to increase the amount of eggs a woman has, we are all born with a set number at birth. Going into our appointment I expected to deal with Dave's low sperm count and motility and here I was finding out that we both have fertility issues. I guess we were lucky at all to have even been able to conceive on our own last summer.

We concluded our meeting by looking at the best and worse case scenario and a appointment for me to retake the HSG exam.

BEST CASE: He stated that we were both "young" and having a sperm issue would be fine as he believed IUI would be the solution to our problem and my low ovarian reserve would not be a factor. 

WORST CASE: HSG shows that tubes are blocked in which case we would need to move onto IVF and with our low sperm and eggs it would be very difficult for us to conceive. 

With all that shoved at me I feel I took the news pretty well, I will be taking my HSG soon and we are scheduled to sit down and plan out future examinations next Friday. I will keep you all updated.

New Blog New Me...

New Blog New Me...

I decided that I wanted to start a new blog, my last one was beginning to turn a little too dark even for me.  Its a new year and I am looking forward to conceiving a baby this year, totally deserving a pat on the back for my upbeat spirit LOL. To update you a little on the TTC journey Dave and I have seen an RE and will be moving towards IUI in May. To start us on the path to parenthood, I will once again have to take an HSG exam and Dave had to complete an updated sperm analysis. I really am hoping that this year ends on a positive note as 2012 left me with a giant whole in my heart. I look forward to what is in store for Dave and I this year as we enter our third year of marriage, I gotta feeling mother or not this year will be a great year for me.