Positive HPT

Positive HPT

People always say that life can change in an instant and that is so true. Last week on Monday I decided to take a pregnancy test because my menstrual was due to arrive that day, well after taking it I didn’t see the line immediately appear so I figured BFN. I then began the waiting game, days came and went and I didn’t see AF. However, I was too nervous to test. Seeing a BFN is heartbreaking and even more so when your days late.  Well on Saturday morning my Injectable medicine arrived and it was at this point my husband decided enough was enough we needed to know what was going on so he went out and brought a pregnancy test. I began testing Saturday night as I had a pretty busy Saturday morning and to my surprise I got a BFP. Well after one positive test I decided to keep testing, four test total, just to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. I even went through the bathroom trash searching for the test I took Monday; it now showed a faint line too. It’s all surreal to me and I am just so grateful. I mean last month I received such devastating news that I never thought I would ever achieve a BFP on my own again, I just assumed that if I were to get pregnant it would have to be with the help of a doctor. I feel so blessed and extremely happy that God is giving me this opportunity, I can’t stress how thankful I really am.  Now that I am pregnant the hard part is going to be staying pregnant. I sent an email to my doctor over the weekend to ask if he believes progesterone would be good for me and if he would allow me to come in and get my beta levels taken. Well I heard from the nurse that he is still thinking about my first question, but he will allow me to come in and get my beta taken today. Dave and I decided that we would not tell anyone about our BFP until we make it safely out of the first trimester and I have sort of held true to that, I'm sure he's okay with you all knowing. If anyone is reading this please continue to pray for our sticky bean and I will update later on about the beta results.

The Waiting Game

The Waiting Game

Prior to my miscarriage I was always a 28 CD gal. I never missed a period and it was something I could count on like clockwork. Well since August my menstrual cycle is all out of wack, my cycles vary from 26 to 28 days with a December cycle of 31 days. Most recently though my cycles (February-April) have peaked at 26. Well lucky me (insert heavy sarcasm) I am currently on CD 29 and as I am too scared to test I have no clue as to when AF will show. I can't move forward with my IUI/Injectable cycle unless she shows her ugly head, so the waiting game commences. I imagine the hold up could be my decision to start supplements last month, can this lead to a longer cycle??? I highly doubt I am pregnant as I have no real symptoms except for exhaustion but I sometimes get that prior to my menstrual. Ugh this is all so confusing I just want to be able to move forward. So lets just pray AF shows up in full force by 2 pm today, that is the time given to me by my RE to count today as CD 1.

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Feeling Blessed and at Peace

Last week I took a big step in my infertility journey, I decided to email my RE doctor and ask if he would be willing to try IUI with injectables on me. Now I already knew how my doctor feels about this procedure, he strongly believes its a waste of both his and my time. So over the course of a week we have been emailing back and forth, him encouraging me to reconsider donor eggs, me stating I want the IUI with injectables, then him stating  he would try IUI with clomid and me again saying no I want IUI with injectables. So after going around and around, I guess he realized he was dealing with one crazy determined lady and so he relented and agreed to preform the procedure. Now the funny thing is as soon as he gave me the OK I began doubting myself, I mean who am I really. I'm no doctor, I don't have the years of study and clinical hours he has, hell I don't even understand half of the terms associated with someone in my condition. But what I do know is that I have to be my own advocate, I cant just sit on the sidelines and allow doctors to make decisions about my life and blindly follow men in white lab coats. So I began to research and surprisingly have found women have gone on to conceive with and without the help of an RE.  Ultimately I want the opportunity to be given a chance at IVF with my own eggs, however I am willing to take this small step until I can get my doctor on board.

I asked my mother & my best-friend this week how do I know if God is speaking to me, with everything that has been going on I wanted to make sure I was following a path God wanted me to take. Well in a nutshell they said that God will present the path he wants you to take or in other words a path becomes more accessible to you. So then I immediately thought about me emailing my doctor and how we went back and forth but ultimately he showed me the path I wanted  to walk along. I also thought about my acupuncture appointment and how I would need to move it forward (June 10th) if I was indeed going to try and start IUI with my next cycle and low and behold when I checked online appointment scheduler they had an appointment for this coming Tuesday. Lately things have been lining up the way I need them to in preparation for my upcoming infertility treatment and I am forever feeling blessed. I have the support of family and friends and I am just feeling so loved right now. Last week I was feeling gloom at the prospective of not being a mother yet, but this week it seemed everywhere I turned I was given a positive message or encouraging word. I feel like God puts positive people in your life to show you the rainbow is coming during your storms and all week I had friends pointing out how blessed I am...

1. I have an amazing husband who supports me in his own way
2. I was able to convince my RE to administer a procedure he didn't really want to do for me. 
3. I have insurance to cover the cost of medicines, IUI procedure, and the monitoring I am going to need.
4. I can begin to take acupuncture as a way to help support my body and can afford to this.

So even though this infertility journey has been a long and stressful roller coaster with highs and lows  I am so in love with the idea that it could be worse and I believe that my story will have a happy ending.I am looking forward to what is in store for me as I realize now that God is walking alongside me on this journey.I will update later on this week as to where I am in my cycle and my IUI protocol. 

Am I Not a Mother

Am I Not a Mother

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months, I have embarked on a healthier lifestyle loosing 12+ pounds and I have resubmitted myself in my faith trying to become closer to God. I am dreading Mother's Day this year, this was to be my first Mother's Day as a mom. Sadly I lost my bean and now I am anticipating spending the day in bed mourning the loss of my first and only pregnancy. While so many women will be embracing their children, I will be clutching my pillow and asking God to stay with me on such a difficult day. Currently I am in my ovulation week and am finding it to be a cruel joke that my body goes through all the symptoms of ovulation (tender breast, ovulation pain, lots of CM) and yet my body cant produce the one good egg I need to become a mother. So my question today is, Am I Not a Mother? Sure I didn't give birth this year, but I did see and hear the heartbeat of my child. I saw my little belly bloat out and give the illusion of a baby bump. No I don't think I am Mother, no one gets part of a medal and second place is not first. I didn't give birth to a baby so as society sees it I am not a mother. Too bad... I'd be one hell of a mother.